"Change, when it comes, cracks everything open." - Dorothy Allison

When I wrote my public profile and opened the conversation in the "Trannychaser Dialogues," I was considering reuniting with my first transmale lover. About a month and a half later, we have decided that we will not be getting back together but remain on good terms. I also was struggling with finding my voice as a member of the transgender community who also has more than one leg still in the gay male world.

Their is an angry tone in the introduction because issues of identity are close to us and can really hurt. Interestingly enough, somewhere around last February I developed a crush on a younger gay guy who seemed to like me as well. After he figured out that I was extremely active in transgender politics and considered myself a part of the transgender community he was honest with me about the challenges that he felt like my life presented to him in regards to being in a relationship with me. That is my nice way of saying, he was a dick.

At the same time, as a spokesperson for Trans political issues in primarily LGB organizations and contexts often I am thought of as inauthentic and unable to speak for my organization. The gay men and lesbians around the table consider me "one of them" instead of a part of "those people."

Well, I don't understand myself that way at all. However, a week ago things changed in my life in a way that has made me reexamine how I articulate who I am. Two days after deciding that I no longer had any interest in pursuing a relationship with biological gay men, this cute boy met me at an activist meeting and later myspace stalked me.

We have since, seen each other everyday(except for Monday - he just reminded me) and things are going remarkably well. he has spent more time with transpeople than I would guess he ever thought he would. He is taking to my people like a rockstar. I keep asking, "Are you okay?" and he says, "Stop asking me that, I am fine. They are just people."

I have felt compelled to seek affirmation about my place in the community and my continued presence at community events from friends all week. Today, I still went to the INTRAA board meeting, the Indyboyz social support group meeting, and much like any other night at 4a.m. I am putting content on the INTRAA website.

Everyone has been extremely supportive and nice to Matthew. We currently hope he sticks around for a little while, at least.

My fear is no longer with the transcommunity but how my gay colleagues will potentially frame my current situation. Now that I have a cute gay boyfriend, who happens to have a penis, I wonder will I be less authentically a representative of the transgender community?

I am primarily still attracted to transmen and queer mascuilinity. Ultimately, I am blessed to have a cute boy, who is smart, and trying to put up with me not be bothered by the details of my desire. He just seems glad that I like him.