Musings on coming out

i'm sorry nick, that your perspective is so disdainful. is it possible that you have so many friends that laying the groundwork for new ones is boring or beneath you? remember the old adage, "to whom much is given much is expected." clearly you have been blessed with no shortage of intellignece, insight, courage and conviction, and to top it off you are a talented communicator. i don't think God gave you these things for your own enjoyment, i think it more likely He wanted you to disseminate your passions, thoughts and ideas to the rest of us. maybe i'm just reading tea leaves, but my reading of your last post leaves me wondering if you aren't developing a superiority complex, as if the rest of us aren't worthy of your time and interest. if i'm wrong, i apologize, of course i don't know you well so i'm just offering this as a view from an outsider and i mean no disrespect. i hope you will take a look at delivering the 101 speach not as a chore but as an opportunity. minds that aren't made up are so much more open to influence then those that are. i identify often with your feeling that sometimes it gets old and sounds like a recording, maybe it would be helpful to shake it up from time to time, make a new recording. instead of just going into the answer mode, if that's your present delivery, maybe responding to the first question with a question may get a little different approach going. for instance: when someone says, "wow, you are a woman?" you might ask how in the questioner's mind a woman is a woman. well, i think you get it, go down a new path that may challenge you as well as the questioner. being creatures of a very concerted natural curiosity we all want to question what is new and different. you have to expect that. it's not a curse though, if people didn't ask they'd only ever hear what they get from the peanut gallery and i think we are all in agreement that that perspective is at the very best inadequate. count it as a blessing that it is one such as yourself who is being asked and not someone who doesn't possess your skills and might leave others even more confused and themselves disdainful. good luck and God bless, with lotsa love, pj

Developing a superiority complex? No, that's been there quite a while.

But division of labor in the community is good. We all have different capacities for directing our energy towards different tasks. I'm glad you have the patience and energy for endless 101s since I don't.

perhaps it is my own lack of education or more likely my naivete but i am still shocked when i hear someone who not only recognizes his arrogance but seems to celebrate it. arrogance to me is a catalyst and then a prime ingredient of bigotry. bigotry is the parent of all evil in the world. i can't see how someone can recognize it in themselves and not have to turn away in horror. i hate to have to share this with you nick, but you are not any better then the rest of us. you have strengths and weaknesses as do we all, perhaps your strengths are more visable and more socially acceptable then the strengths of others but with an open mind it isn't hard to see the strengths of others and realize for real that labor sharing is necessary and what one does according to his own gifts is every bit as important as what another is doing. could be that logic and rational thinking is a strenth of yours and i hope you apply that to the betterment of us all, but that doesn't make you any better then the one who hasn't heard of or learned his or her place in the world or how to apply their strengths in the best manner as of yet. smart is of no more value then compassion, teaching is but a factor of learning. we are all of potentially equal value when we find the proper outlet for our particular gifts. riding around on a high horse just makes the ground that much further away when comes the inevetible fall. good luck to you, God bless.....with lots of love, pj

I think it is expecting a lot of the typical person, who you find yourself casually talking to, say for the 3rd or 4th time, to NOT become very interested in this issue when you drop it into a converation.

Almost guaranteed, if they do react this way when you mention something about being trans, you are likely among the first trans people they've ever met. For those of us who know trans people already, chances are we would react more casually to it, but for others this may be a unique opportunity to ask more practicle questions that don't get enough attention in the over-sensationalized way trans lives are portrayed in the mainstream media.

It seems that the reason you stated for coming out is mostly out of a sense of wanting to be true to yourself and to build authentic relationships with others. Perhaps the Trans 101 discussion that ensues is not inconsistent with your motive afterall, for how else can you authentically engage with a person who doesn't know that much about the way you have defined yourself?

pj i agree lori. i see giving the talk as an opportunity. i wish i could have had a talk with everyone in the world before they saw it first on jerry springer. i think if i couldn't leave a better impression then one gets from the media i'd be ashamed of myself. by the time i'm in a conversation with someone i'm made. i thought about trying to alter my voice and presentation to be more feminine but not being all that multi-taskal i worried that i'd lose track of what i was saying while i was worrying about how i sounded. i find it a pretty good mix of responses, some are interested, some are just glad to see me go and most just don't care that much at first. i think my attitude leaves room for all to make their own choice. i'm pretty friendly and well mannered by nature, i was raised to always say please and thank you and give each person a smile when i greet them. unless someone brings it up i just go on about my business without mentioning it myself. in the nearly three years i've been in transition i have to say things are pretty good. the places i frequent have become passe about seeing me. for the most part i am remembered from the first time, or the second and when they see how consistant i am in my presentation they come out pretty disarmed. i don't have a chip on my shoulder, i don't think my circumstance is the worst that could happen. i expect to be treated as i treat, with respect and always the offer of friendship.
as odd as it may seem the only places i have been mistreated are two gay bars here in town. one is closed now and the other i just don't frequent. other places either ignore my trans or i am treated very well. it is kind of odd though, i was never remembered before, just backround, now i see people all the time who know of me or have seen me here or there and feel as if they know me. people who like to chat for some reason now think that i do too, and they're right, i'll talk with anyone about darn near anything. i guess i'm off the subject just a bit, but it does go to the willingness to talk about transsexualism. when someone asks a question i answer, cheerfully and without shame or guilt. kind of a "just the facts ma'am" sort of thing. and i will answer as many questions as they have. well, unless they want to get into the details of my sexlife, that's something some think should be open to question but i don't. when they go there i just tell them it is kind of personal and i understand their curiosity but i'm not comfortable discussing those details with anyone but my wife. nine times out of ten i get an apology which i indicate is appropriate and accepted. the question itself though often leads to an opportunity to discuss the difference between gender identification and sexual orientation. most lay people don't understand that there is a difference so they get an education, good deal. i think so much of what happens when coming out to strangers or casual aquaintances is based on one's own expectations. your own attitude about yourself is revealed in what you expect from others. if in your conversation you show that you expect curiosity and not judgment you'll will often get just that. but if you feel yourself that this is such an extrodinary thing, and that people have a right to question your morals or your value as a human being then they will assume that is the appropriate thing to do. we know that transsexualism while not common, is not abnormal. there is plenty of history behind the phenonenon. it has been around for too long and there are too many of us to claim abnormality. i don't mind telling people these things and i think it does alot of good. i don't see my transsexualism as a malady or a pathology, i don't think that mistakes were made anywhere. i think it is just as natural an occurance in nature as any other. i didn't choose to be transsexual any more then i chose my blue eyes, but i can't say that it offends me personally any more then do my eyes. if i weren't transsexual i wouldn't be me, i'd be somebody else. i think i'll just keep me, i know me and things could sure be worse. i guess what i'm saying is that too many of us have bought into the negative image of us that is presented out of fear and ignorance ourselves. i don't think we need to approach coming out as revealing some deep dark hidden secret anymore. the very implication of that is that there is something wrong with us and others have a right to think of us negatively if they choose. i approach it as that "good people" won't judge me negatively based soley on my transsexualism and i make that known. in this way i at least challenge people to look at themselves first to see if they are "good people" before they judge me. and so the conversation continues.....lotsa love to all, pj

Well we all know I have a chip on my shoulder, so there's not much getting around that. (Is my chip clear in my tone here?)

I'm only too happy to give the trans 101 speech. The problem is that, having delivered it so many times, it feels like an audio recording to me. I have little personal connection to it these days. And people seem to feel like when I answer their 101 questions I'm offering intimate details of my life. They think that this conversation lays groundwork for a friendship, and I don't feel that way at all.

Besides which. I'm all about being a tranny. I hope that much is clear. But there are times when I don't want to fucking explain what that means. My point was that there are sometimes more important things to talk about, person-to-person, than a trans 101 inquiry: curious-visitor-to-zoo-exhibit(-audio recording).

Heya Nick, I'm sorry. I don't like to see you upset, really.

I understand the disconnected feeling you describe from the Trans 101 speech. Admittedly, I think the whole "coming out" meme within trans (and LGB for that matter) community discourse is usually just a retread of a retread of a retread...

But what you and others are getting at in this thread is something really worthy of further discussion... namely the challenges of coming out as it is something that NEVER ENDS, particularly for people with passing privilege who don't want to go stealth or woodwork.

Finding ways to have these coming out conversations, in order to maintain your own integrity, while also not becoming embittered by people's reactions, even when they are well-intentioned but naive is a significant challenge.

Love you, hon. Hang in there.